Strangers with Candy
by SF Heinig
Summary: A Christmas parody of the Comedy Central Show Strangers with Candy that starred Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello.


STRANGERS WITH CANDY CANES

(A Christmas parody of the Comedy Central Show "Strangers with Candy" that starred Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello.)

Santa was a jerk, that's what I thought. Having us poor little elves work  
year round so lard butt could fly all over the globe for one night soaking up  
all the glory. It just wasn't fair! What a drag... It wouldn't even be so bad if  
he at least gave us comfortable stools to sit on while we worked our poor  
fingers to the bone. I've still got splinters in my tiny tush from 1983. Oh, this  
blows! I turned to my fellow comrades in arms, and with two words I  
summed up exactly how I felt, "Santa sucks!"  
The whole workshop turned to me in stunned silence -- you could hear a pin  
drop -- actually you could hear several pins drop since I was near the sewing  
stations.  
"JERRRRRI!" I got up and turned, facing our workshop boss, Noblet,  
Santa's second brown nosing elf in command. He approached me, his eyes  
dark with fury.  
"What in high holy Heaven, did you just say worker, 94539?"  
"I I I I" I stuttered.  
"Why have you stopped working? Don't you know we've got a deadline  
here? UPS is going to be here in like..." Noblet looked as his watch; he was  
always glancing at that candy cane stripped monstrosity that hung from his  
green vest like a badge -- actually it was a gift from Santa himself for being  
so proficient... brown noser, kiss butt fart face.  
"...like two hours to pick up our toys Jerri, and what's poor little Timmy  
going to say when his super duper pooper race car scooper arrives without  
its wheels attached? Huh?"  
"But but but..."  
"But but but." Noblet mocked mockingly.  
"But I thought Santa delivers all the toys?"  
"He does Jerri, but that's only for the really special boys and girls who book  
Santa in cash well within a year in advance, it also doesn't hurt to have some  
sort of political, corporate or celebrity connection like Chuck Norris or  
Gwenyth Paltrow."  
"You mean, Santa only visits the super rich and well-connected boys and  
girls?"  
Noblet picked up a tube of glue off my workbench and sniffed it. "No, they  
also have to be white and preferably Protestant. Now enough chitter-chatter,  
back to work, or you'll be cleaning up reindeer crap until the end of the next  
century. Your call, Jerri."  
I turned back to my workbench and begrudgingly sat down on my sore can. I  
picked up my hammer and began angrily knocking those damn wheels on to  
little Timmy's super duper pooper race car scooper. I hope the brat  
appreciates it.  
"Now that's a good little elf."   
Once Noblet was gone, my friend Tammi turned to me. "That was really cool  
the way you stood up to Noblet like that. It was ever so frightful, I thought I  
was going to explode with cheese." Tammi said with a big cheery smile  
across her buttery red face.  
"What the hell are you talking about, sister?"  
"The way you stood up to Noblet, he does work us ever so hard."  
"Yeah, but what can I do, I'm just a single elf, a lowly elf without any  
prospects, or chances at upward mobility. I've got no future, Tammi."  
"Hmmm..." Tammi hmmmmmed.  
Then suddenly a thought popped in my head, I knew it was a thought  
because I immediately had to go tinkle."Hey, wait a second! I just realized. I  
ain't got nothing to lose!" I picked up my hammer and aimed it at Noblet,  
then I thought, I better wait until his back is turned.  
"Heavens to Betsy! What are you doing Jerri?"  
"What does it look like? I'm knocking off the top-dog. There's only room  
enough for one Alpha Elf in this workshop, and it's me, see."  
"You can't just kill him."  
"Oh, yeah? You calling me chicken?"  
"But this won't solve a thing. And murder is wrong" I rolled my eyes and  
made choking the chicken motion with my hand.  
"I say, let's find out how wrong it is..."  
I threw that damn hammer as hard and as fast as I could.  
"Jerri, noooooooooo!" Tammi's plea for sanity may have been lost on my  
ears but it wasn't lost on Noblet's. He turned just as the hammer came within  
a micrometer of splitting his pointy ears in half.  
"You are in so much trouble worker 94539, it's not even funny!" I slumped  
onto my seat, the look of defeat heavy upon my shoulders.  
"I wasn't laughing."

I've never been in elf prison before, but there was a first time for  
everything. Even elf prison was cute, I mean cute in that annoying way that  
gets under your skin, like when people are way more jolly than they have any  
right being. You know those people. The people who are having a much  
better life than you are, and they're happy about it? The "Happy People":  
some could be your friends or family, or even celebrities you've seen on TV  
or read about in a magazine; their car hasn't been impounded, their teeth  
aren't crooked, their brains aren't syphilitic, their house wasn't built on top  
of haunted Indian burial ground, and their love surely wasn't unrequited.  
You just sit there in front of your television late at night like a zombie, eating  
burnt macaroni and cheese and pork rinds, praying for the animosity that's in  
your life to seep out into theirs, but you know that's never going to happen.  
So, you make up these cynical little scenarios in your batter fried head, like  
would Romeo really have loved Juliet, if when he had first met her, she'd  
been bald and had cold sores all over her face? I don't think so... Ah,  
tragedy, there's nothing like it to spice up a dull holiday season, especially, if  
it's tragedy at someone else's expense. That's what makes tragedy so  
hi-larious!   
Tammi's cell was adjacent to mine, even though I had begged them not to  
separate us. Sweet, sweet Tammi... I'd like to pop some cream in that  
cheesefilled muff-- Hey, wait a sec, where was my head? Prison is going to  
be rough on Tammi, unless I make her my bitch, and my bitch fast!  
I couldn't see Tammi, but I knew she was there. The smell of peppermint  
was strong in the air, Tammi always smelled like peppermint. I wonder what  
she'd look like naked?  
"Hey, Tammi!"  
"Yes, Jerri?"  
"What would you look like naked?"  
"That's a funny question, Jerri. Giggle giggle." Tammi giggled. "Well, I guess  
I'd look just like you, silly... another girl elf."  
"Somehow, I doubt it..." I moaned.  
"Jerri, how are you really doing in there? This predicament is ever so  
frightful. I wish you were in here with me holding hands and thinking of  
gumdrops and cheese."  
"I wish I was there too, sweet thang. Hey, these candy cane bars are nothing  
more than just plain old candy cane bars, right?"  
"Why yes, Jerry, just like your pillow is made out of marshmallows, and  
your blankets are made from freshly spun silk chocolate."  
"Just give me a second, and I'll be right over, Copper Top. Then we can hold  
hands, or do whatever." I said with a pep to my voice and a throb in my  
loins.  
"Oh, Jerry, please do hurry, this cell is ever so dark and ever so frightful.  
Why, it doesn't smell like cheese at all."  
I started licking a bar, then a little nibble here and a little nibble there. It was  
so sweet, I could hardly contain myself. I was getting the biggest sugar rush  
I'd ever had in my life. After a few hours my tongue was like leather, but I  
had been able to lick a big enough gap so that I could squeeze out. I tip toed  
over to Tammi's cell. I could hear her snoring. I tried to say her name but my  
tongue was limp and stuck. I couldn't even push the dang thing back into my  
mouth! I looked at Tammi asleep on her cot, she looked so peaceful lying  
there. So, delicate. So, vulnerable. So, sensual... I quickly leaned down and  
began working on her cell bars, but I found I had no more saliva to give.  
Then I heard footsteps and voices behind me... I quickly got back into my  
cell, which was rather a moot thing too do, since it was so obvious that I had  
tried to escape. Damn self-incrimination!  
"Jerri! Who the heck gave you permission to try and escape from prison?" It  
was Noblet.  
I tried to mumble that I wasn't really trying to escape, I was just trying to get  
over and see my friend, Tammi. He didn't get it.  
"What? I can't understand a word your saying, Jerri." Noblet grabbed my  
tongue, stretching it out about a foot before letting it recoil with a snap back  
into my mouth.  
"OUCH! What are you trying to do? Kill me?" I slobbered as I wiped drool  
from my lips.  
"Don't take that tone with me missy, especially after that stunt you pulled in  
the workshop today."   
"Look, I'm sorry that I tried to knock your block off, but you work us way  
too hard. I bet if Santa really knew how hard you work us, he wouldn't be  
that pleased with your performance."  
"Oh, really? Well, that's exactly who I'm taking you to see, Jerri. So feel free  
to bring that up to him."  
I looked at Noblet, stunned for a moment. No elves ever got to meet Santa! I  
saw him once from afar, but that was over 86 years ago. "I'm going to finally  
get to meet Santa?" I said excitedly.  
"That's right Jerri, because it's Santa who does all the firing of the elves."  
"Oh, dear." I said as my smile jumped to a frown.  
"You too worker 8437." Colbert said to Tammi.  
"Oh, no, Jerri. This is ever so horrid. Santa is going to fire us!" Tammi said,  
now awake.  
It was true, Santa was going to fire us. This wasn't the first incident that I'd  
been involved in, and my work performance hadn't exactly been exemplary.  
My mind started racing with ideas to get Tammi and I out of this mess:  
Maybe I could use a surprisingly amusing and funny anecdote? Once Santa  
started laughing and his belly was shaking like jelly, Tammi and I would  
make a run for it, unless Santa wants a major coronary, he'd never be able to  
catch us!   
Wait a sec, maybe Santa is really an old softy? Yeah. He'll just decide on a  
jolly whim to let us both off with a simple beating around our shiny little  
thighs and buttocks... No, that won't work. Drats! Perhaps, Santa is really an  
understanding sympathetic kind of guy? Yeah. He must understand what a  
terrible amount of pressure we elves have been under these days... It was like  
our form of road rage, a temporary loss of insanity that just swept over  
Tammi and I... Tammi... Wait a minute... Why was I so worried about  
Tammi anyway? What had she ever done for me? Nothin' that's what. Every  
elf for himself was the law of the jungle, and we were in the thick of it now.  
Don't get me wrong, Tammi was cute, but she wasn't that cute that I'd take  
the fall for her. Maybe I could blame it all on Tammi? Yeah. I could tell  
Santa that Tammi had planted the hammer in my hands, that she had  
hypnotized me with her promises of forbidden elfin love, that she promised  
me we would run away together to Rio and open a spa and apple butter farm.  
I'm sure Santa would understand.  
"Jerri, what the hell are you doing? Santa is very busy and he only has time  
for two firings a day." Noblet barked.  
"I'm ready. Are you ready, Tammi?" I said most slyly.  
"I'm ever so scarred Jerri of what Santa might do. Shall we hold hands?"  
"Hold your own hands, sis."  
"Jerri, what's wrong?"  
"Oh, I'm fine, fine and dandy." I said feeling both fine and dandy, and  
fiendish too, but I wasn't going to let Tammi know that last part.

Noblet led us down a long hallway the led directly to the executive-wing of  
the workshop, right to the double doors of the big office of the big guy.  
Noblet flung open the doors, sending me immediately into the shock of my  
life.  
"Jerri!" Santa said with a booming girth to his voice.  
"Santa? You're Santa?" I said both dismayed and dismayed. "But you're--"  
"Exquisitely well-groomed?"   
"No, you're--"  
"Fastidiously well-mannered?"  
"No! You're--"  
"Purposefully well-proportioned?"  
"No, that's not it."  
"Well, what is it Jerri?"  
"Your black." I said in the stunned silence that my own words created.  
"Jerri!" Noblet screamed, walking over to me and grabbing me by the tuft of  
my own tuft. "If Santa wants you to know that he's black, he'll tell you when  
he's black."  
"Leave her alone Noblet, even with her freakishly small skull she was bound  
to figure it out sooner or later. That's right, Jerri, Santa is black. A strapping,  
robust African-American to be precise, always was, always will be."  
"But I thought Santa was just some big fat lazy white dude."  
Santa laughed a big hearty laugh. "No, Jerri. That's only to throw off Santa's  
competitors, like that damn Bill Gates." Santa suddenly said with a scowl.  
"He's trying to monkey his way into everything. He really wanted that new  
Seven Of Nine calendar, but I'll be dammed if he gets it this year! That geek  
is getting coal in his stocking, just like all those other monopoly playing  
scalawags of the internet."  
"I don't understand any of this." I said, not understanding any of this.  
"It doesn't matter, Jerri. The reason you're here in my office is because it's  
come  
to my attention that your Christmas spirit is for, lack of a less offensive  
word, lacking."  
"You mean, I'm not here because Tammi made me try and kill Noblet against  
purte and innocent will?"  
"What? Whatever are you saying, Jerri? I was the one trying to stop you."  
Tammi cried, whimpered and bemoaned.  
"And you're not going to fire us either?" I said, gleefully ignoring Tammi's  
prattling.  
"Why no, Jerri..." Santa said, grinning wide. "I don't fire elves anymore, at  
least not since NAFTA made off with a truck load of them a few years back.  
And now I got the damn Chinese barking at my door. No, the way we deal  
with little elves who get into monkey shines now is by the act of penance."  
"Penis?"  
"Penance, Jerri!" Noblet replied in a righteous tone.  
"What's that?" I said, not knowing what that was.  
"A voluntary act of contrition for a sin, or other wrongdoing." Noblet said,  
looking with a raised eyebrow at Tammi.  
"But I--" Tammi said with a but I.  
"Don't even start, princess." Noblet snapped at Tammi.  
Santa stepped forward grabbing Tammi and I both by the hands. "But before  
that all can take place Jerri, you must help complete a task for me."  
"I knew there would be a catch." I moaned.  
As Tammi and I were both pulled forward by Santa, a mighty snow storm  
began to gather around us, which was strange for an office if you think about  
it. Everything began to quickly blur white around us, and soon I could barely  
see within an inch of my face...

Then -- in a snap quicker than a Time Square hooker's garter belt coming off  
-- Santa, Tammi and I were standing in front of a house, a suburban house,  
decked-out with twinkling Christmas lights and ornaments.   
"What are we doing here, Santa?"  
"This is the Jellineck's home, four days before Christmas."  
"And..."  
"And, you Jerri are going to do exactly what I do."  
"Which is?"  
"Astral project yourself into the Jellineck's home, get to know their son  
Timmy, read his mind and figure out what he really, really wants for  
Christmas. Simple, right?"  
"Are you serious?" I groaned. "That sounds really hard."  
"It's very difficult, Jerri, but that's what Santa does. If you think you could  
do better, I'd certainly like to see it. Now get in there!"  
Santa sprinkled some fairy dust on me, or maybe it was dandruff. At any  
rate, the stuff made me float and turn invisible. Santa quickly grabbed me by  
the arm, shaking a tiny whiskey flask in front of my face.  
"See if you can make a stop by the Jellineck's wet bar while you're in there."  
"But I thought you only drank milk and ate cookies."  
"This puppy runs on super not unleaded, Jerri. Now get crackin'." Santa  
smacked my rear, sending me spinning up towards the Jellineck's chimney.  
"Oh, this is ever such the cheese-filled adventure! My panties are certainly in  
a bunch now." Tammi proudly proclaimed about her panties.

Once inside the Jellineck's home, I was able to steady myself by grabbing  
onto the head of a stuffed moose head that hung above the Jellineck's fire  
place, but I still couldn't stop myself from floating and smacking into the  
walls and ceiling. Then I saw Timmy. By grabbing onto the walls I was able  
to inch my way behind him, up the stairs and into his bedroom. I began to  
hear his thoughts, not that clearly, something like, it needs more Vaseline...  
Whatever that meant.  
I followed Timmy as he made his way into his bedroom and back under the  
covers where he flicked on a flashlight. I watched him as he picked up these  
magazine with naked, robust women inside, as he began to flip through the  
pages Timmy began to whisper, "I love you" and kiss the photo spread of the  
hot little red head on page 27, and then, he actually took off the--   
NOTE: THIS NEXT SECTION OF DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN DELETED  
FOR OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT BY SANTA HIMSELF! MESSAGE TO  
JERRI: SEE SANTA IN HIS OFFICE AT THE END OF THIS STORY AND  
BRING THOSE DAMN DIRTY MAGAZINES WITH YOU!  
So, it was obvious what Timmy really wanted for Christmas: Hot naked  
well-shaven women, preferably on motorcycles! Santa's list and pen  
suddenly appeared in my hands, I quickly checked off Timmy's name. Well,  
that wasn't so hard I thought happily to myself. That's when I heard the  
screams...   
Timmy jumped out of his bed, which probably wasn't the best thing to do at  
this point, the last time I saw something that size, Blitzen was in heat. Timmy  
quickly wrapped a blanket around himself. I followed behind him as he ran  
out into the hall where Mr. Jellineck had also just come out of his bedroom.  
"That was your mother!" Mr. Jellineck said to Timmy looking worried.  
Both men ran downstairs, I floated through the floor and into the downstairs  
living room where Mrs. Jellineck was passed-out by the Christmas tree with  
three buxom centerfold models standing over her, one of which was  
straddling a motorcycle and sucking on a candy cane. Damn! I didn't see the  
redhead/  
"What's going on here?" Asked Mr. Jellineck of the tall blonde in the tight  
red leather catsuit.  
"What would you like going on?" She meowed with an accented crack of her  
whip.  
"Uh..." Mr. Jellineck uhhhed.  
"Dad, who are these girls? What's the one dressed like a nurse doing to  
mom?"  
"Don't worry Timmy, she's just taking her temperature."  
"But isn't the thermometer suppose to go in her--"  
"Timmy! Help me help your mother up." Mr. Jellineck and Timmy began  
helping Mrs. Jellineck up off the floor.  
"What? What happened to me?" Mrs. Jellineck said as she tried to get her  
bearings. Looking around it became evident. "Oh, now I remember. Who are  
you women?"  
"We're Timmy's Christmas gift from Santa." The three hotties replied in  
unison.  
"WHAT?" The Jellineck family shouted in disbelief.  
"We're here for whatever pleasure Timmy would have us for." Said the biker  
babe with the thick German accent. The nurse held out a long contract to Mr.  
Jellineck.  
"Well, I'm not a lawyer, but this document does seem to indicate that these  
women are legally bound to the Jellineck family, dear."  
"But this is ridiculous, Santa must have made some sort of mistake." Mrs.  
Jellineck protested.  
"Well, until it's all cleared up, may I suggest we discuss sleeping  
arrangements." Mr. Jellineck diplomatically stated.  
"These women aren't staying here, Geoffrey." Mrs. Jellineck said, shooting a  
nasty look at her husband.  
"Well, we can't very well allow them, out at this time of night and roaming  
the neighborhood dressed like that, now can we, dear?"  
"Well, they're not staying here, Geoffrey."  
"They can stay in my room." Timmy said trying to help himself.  
"NO!" Mr. Mrs. Jellineck shot back.  
"Might I suggest the guest room, ladies?" Mr. Jellineck said with a smile  
across his face. "I'd really like to find out where you got those outfits."  
"Geoffrey, they are not staying here, unless, it's over my dead body." Mrs.  
Jellineck said with a scowl.  
"Don't tempt me, Cherri." Mr. Jellineck snarled back.  
"Why can't you two ever do anything without arguing about it?" Timmy  
screamed, running upstairs.  
"Oh, you're such a big man in front of the ladies! Well, before you try  
satisfying three women super stud, why don't you try satisfying one first!"  
"Maybe I would, if she'd pull her vagina out of the freezer once in awhile!"  
"You bastard! You know I have to keep it in there for medical reasons!"  
Jerri, I thought happily to myself, another job well-done, another happy  
family customer for Santa. This wasn't such a hard job after all! Sure, there  
was a little screaming and fighting, but soon the Jellineck family would be  
taking great pleasure in the perverse gift Santa had provided. Maybe Santa  
would finally think about giving me a promotion? I thought as I floated out  
to where he and Tammi were standing on the Jellineck's front lawn, strange  
though, Santa wasn't looking very pleased...  
"Jerri, is there some sort of injury that you haven't told Santa about, like a  
hammer or heavy toy in the workshop landing on your head? Repeatedly?"  
"No, not that I can remember. Why?"  
"Because you've totally screwed Santa, Jerri."  
"Hows a cows a, what?"  
"You totally screwed, me." Santa repeated, pointing his finger in my face.  
"What did I do wrong? I did everything you told me to do."  
"Where's my booze?"  
"Ewww...sorry."  
"You just don't get it do you, Jerri?"  
That's when the screaming from inside the house turned to gunfire. Ooops...  
"Jerri get back in there and fix this mess, and take Tammi with you too. Her  
Christmas spirit is so high, it's actually making me sick."

Tammi and I flew like the wind back into the house. The centerfolds were  
huddled behind the couch with Mr. Jellineck, as he and his wife traded shots  
back and forth across the living room, their son Timmy a quivering mess on  
the stairs.  
"You never loved me, Cherri!" Mr. Jellineck cried.  
"You never allowed yourself to be loved, Geoffrey!" Mrs. Jellineck cried as  
she fired off her shotgun.  
"Oh, no Jerri, we've come too late, Santa will forever be cross with us!"  
"Wait a second, Santa told us this was four days before Christmas, right?  
That means we had to go back in time to be here. So, if Santa has the power  
to time travel, and I have Santa's powers--"  
"Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Jerri!" Tammi said excitedly giving me a big  
wet buttery kiss on my mouth.  
"I lost it..." I said having lost the idea that would have saved the day and  
turned the Jellinecks back into a normal lovingly family that's in denial.  
"No, you haven't lost it, Jerri. We'll go back in time and stop you from  
sending those anorexic centerfold models here. It is ever such a wonderful  
idea with cheese on top!"  
"Hold on to my ears, Tammi. We're going back in time and stop me from  
screwing up the Jellineck's family Christmas!"  
That snowy storm appeared again, and as we stepped through, we found  
ourselves exactly back where we had started, but this time, no one was in the  
living room yet, and I could see myself backing out the chimney. Nice ass, I  
thought of myself. I floated over tapping myself on the back.  
"Hey, past me." I said to myself.  
"Who are you?" I said to myself.  
"I'm you from two hours from now." I said back to myself.  
"What? How can that be?" I said confused. I wonder if Bob Dole or Garth  
Brooks has inner-dialogue moments like this? Referring to yourself in the  
third-person can get a little tricky, especially, when you really are two people.  
I was getting an headache.  
"Look, before you go any further you're just going to have to trust me, past-  
self, what you do here goes terrible wrong. The best thing for you to do is go  
back up that chimney right now and forget this entire inccident ever  
happened."  
"Are you sure future-me?"  
"Proof positive." I said, happily patting myself on the rear and sending  
myself back up the chimney.  
Then the snow storm came swirling back around us, and Tammi and I  
miraculously found ourselves back in Santa's office.  
"Well-done Jerri. You've saved Santa from a very expensive lawsuit."  
"Oh, it was nothing, big guy." I gushed.  
"Have you learned your lesson, Jerri?"  
"Yes, Santa. Yes, I have. Your job is very difficult, and as far as I can tell  
from my limited perceptions of what actually happens outside the North  
Pole, you're doing a bang up job! So, I'm sorry for everything I ever said or  
may have wished upon you and your family."  
"Why thank you, Jerri, now get the hell out of my office! Santa's got work to  
do."  
"Okay, Santa." I said as Tammi and I headed for the door.  
Once outside, Tammi turned to me, "Oh, Jerri that was ever so wonderful  
that Santa let us off the hook!"  
"You know, Tammi, I learned a valuable lesson today, that it's not the gift  
that really counts but the thought of the gift that counts, and what we really  
need isn't what we always want, and what we want, isn't always what we   
need." Jerry slips out a bottle of Jack Daniels from her skirt. "Take this flask  
of whiskey that I lifted Jellineck's home earlier, we may not want this now,  
but I know that I may need it later."  
"Oh Jerry, this will be a merry cheese-filled Christmas after all, won't it?"  
"Yes it will, Stacy, yes it will..." Smile...


End file.
